Friday, March 18, 2011

One Last Grumble

One last self-indulgent post about The Breakup and then the pity party will officially be over.

Barry and I met through  He made the first move based on my photo, but I was interested because he had a PhD (smart), liked to dance (fun), and supposedly matched my personality and likes by 90%.  I was ecstatic.  However, our high matching score was due to all the untrue answers that Barry had given based on his erroneous view of himself.  Here is a selection.  (Some answers below paraphrased as I no longer have the original printout.)

Topic: Age
What Barry said: 59
What he should have said: 61

Topic: Relationship status
What Barry said: Recently divorced
What he should have said: Three ex-wives were unable to live with me.

Topic: Travel
What Barry said: My next adventure will be skiing in the Alps at a point where three countries intersect.
What he should have said: Travel is a nightmare of lost luggage, missed connections, noise and confusion.  I would love to ski in the Alps if I could be magically and instantaneously transported there.  Otherwise, no thanks.

Topic: Eating out
What Barry said: Love Asian restaurants of all types.
What he should have said: Hate the wait, the noise, the prices, and the waitstaff.  I will never sit in a chair that faces the kitchen or the restrooms or is in a spot where I can hear someone at another table speak. When I eat at home, I always have the best seat in the house.  Did I mention that you'll be doing all the cooking?

Topic: Entertainment
What Barry said: Movies, theater, concerts, opera
What he should have said: Do I have to travel more than a mile from home?  Will it cost more than $5?  I won't drive or be driven after dark.

Topic: Alcohol use
What Barry said: Social drinker
What he should have said: My father was an abusive alcoholic, so I'm a militant teetotaler.

Topic: What are you looking for in a relationship?
What Barry said: Someone to hang out with
What he should have said: I was brainwashed as a child by too many hours of watching Ozzie and Harriet.  If we sleep together we'll have to get married and I'll expect you to do the housework in high heels and pearls.  That's all the housework - Ozzie never had to help around the home.

The correct answer to any of these questions would have kept me from meeting him for even a single date.  Too bad I didn't know they were the correct answers until after I had given up my whole previous life to move in with him.  Had he really been the person he thought he was, I'd probably still have my cushy job and we would both be living in our original houses but spending every spare moment together planning our next trip to the opera in Milan or Vienna.

“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world"  ~Mercedes Lackey


  1. Wow. I haven't been checking in for a while, but have just caught up on your last few posts. Sounds like a pretty awful time for you. I'm so sorry.
    I've been through a bad marriage, and understand the despair of realizing a mistake after the fact, the futility of trying to make the best of a rotten situation, and the soul-numbing emotional exhaustion that inevitably precedes the end.
    You strike me as a pretty gutsy person ... I'm sure that your transition ( though heart-wrenching and stressful, as all divorces, by their very nature, are )will ultimately give you much greater peace of mind as you reclaim yourself and live your life according to the ideals that are meaningful to you.
    It hurts when the realization sinks in that you've invested yourself so heavily in a person who is incapable, for whatever reasons, of returning your love. I'm sorry that you're going through such a time. It sucks. Hang in there.

  2. Thank you so much, Nina. I was in a bad marriage in my early 20's and was just relieved when it ended. This time I feel more as I did when Tom died - as if something precious has gone out of my life forever. As I told one of my other friends, though, I am really mourning for what the relationship had the potential to be rather than for what it actually was.